February 7, 2006

  • Jack Bauer Top 40






























































































    1 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
    2 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
    3 You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
    4 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
    5 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
    6 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
    7 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
    8 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    9 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
    10 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
    11 Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
    12 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
    13 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
    14 Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
    15 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
    16 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
    17 Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
    18 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
    19 When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
    20 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
    21 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
    22 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
    23 Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
    24 If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
    25 Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
    26 The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
    27 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the have you done with your life?
    28 No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
    29 People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
    30 In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
    31             Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
    32             Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
    33            Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets royalty.
    34            If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd been off the island with 23 hours and 59 minutes to spare.
    35            Jack Bauer can eat flour and s*** cupcakes.
    36            Jack Bauer can divide by zero
    37            Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer
    38            Jack Bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim
    39            Jack Bauer killed Kenny


    You guys can make up the last one.

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