January 4, 2006

• I'm heading off to Shanghai!!  Whooohoooo!!

  
  

  Here are some random Chuck Norris facts...hahahhahahahahahh Tell me your favorite one!

  
  

  Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  
  Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  
  Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
  
  Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  
  When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  
  

  Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity- twice.
  Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.
  
  Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  
  Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  
  Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  
  A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
  
  To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  
  The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
  
  Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  
  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  
  Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
  
  Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
  
  Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
  
  The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  
  After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
  
  Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  
  Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
  
  Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
  
  If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  
  Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
  
  Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
  
  Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  
  One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
  
  Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
  
  When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

  
  

  Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.

  
  

  Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

  
  

  Chuck Norris once threatened to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what "his way" detailed, he replied: "with barbed wire and nails, of course". He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

  
  

  Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".

  
  

  Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opportunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

  
  

  Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris

  
  

  In the back of The Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records"

  
  

  Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

  
  

  When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

  
  

  Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

  
  

  Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  
  

  If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  
  

  Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

  
  

  Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  
  

  Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

  
  

  Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

  
  

  There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

  
  

  On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

  
  

  When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

  
  

  Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

  
  

  Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

  
  

  God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

  
  

  When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

  
  

  Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

  
  

  A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

  
  

  Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

  
  

  Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

  
  

  Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

  
  

  If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

  
  

  Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

  
  

  When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

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